


I've Got You

by SammySammyDean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Sex, Cutting, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Near Death, Painplay, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-06
Updated: 2016-03-06
Packaged: 2018-05-25 03:55:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6179218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SammySammyDean/pseuds/SammySammyDean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam falls lower and lower on his own, but maybe he isn't as alone as he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I've Got You

**Author's Note:**

> TW: graphic depictions of self-hard/depression

He didn’t notice it right away, if he had, maybe it wouldn’t have gotten this bad. If it had been an immediate thing, he might have realized sooner, might not have done this to himself.

 

As it was, he hadn’t noticed, he had sunk lower and lower, day after day. No one around him seemed to notice either, granted he didn’t see Dean as much now, and Dean was the only one who  _ really  _ knew him. 

 

Once they had stopped hunting, too old to efficiently do anything, they had settled down, found their own places, sold some things from the bunker for cash. Dean had settled in with Cas, and Sam was left on his own.

 

For the first time, he was living the apple pie life, and he fucking  _ hated  _ it. 

 

Over the months his energy was sapped from him completely, he no longer saw a point in getting out of bed. He didn’t eat, barely slept, rarely moved. He needed something _ , something  _ had to change, he couldn’t go on like this.

 

The first time was an accident. Dean had called, announced that he and Cas would be coming over. 

 

Sam had managed to drag himself out of bed, shower, shave, clean up, generally make himself, and his home, look presentable enough that Dean  _ probably  _ wouldn’t notice anything off.

 

It really was an accident. 

 

He slipped, cutting up some vegetables for dinner. Just a shallow cut on his finger. It wasn’t a big deal.

 

Except it was. 

 

It felt good, and he watched the blood drip for an uncomfortable amount of time. Only stopped when he heard Dean at the door. He had cleaned up quickly, and made it through the visit in one piece. 

 

Once Dean left, though, he had run back to the kitchen, slicing his palm open on a knife, and watching the blood drip with sick fascination. 

 

When the blood finally stopped, he felt more like his old self than he had in nearly a year. 

 

See? It was all an accident.

 

Until it wasn’t

  
  
  


When Gabriel came back, he decided to make himself at home with Sam, snapping up whatever the human wanted, hoping to earn back his good graces.

 

He had liked Sam before, but now it was more of, well, he was in love with the moose. He wanted Sam to forgive him, he wanted them to be friends. At the very least. 

 

Sam was distant, but Gabriel had expected as much, the Winchesters had all the reasons in the world to hate him. Gabriel couldn’t possibly know the real reason though, couldn’t possibly know why Sam moved so slow, why he winced every time he stood up.

 

Sam had always dressed in layers, it wasn’t like it was weird for him to cover every inch of skin besides his face and hands. Nothing seemed too out of the ordinary.

 

Eventually, Sam would even smile around him, laughing and joking, and although Gabriel could still sense the chasm of space between them, he was happy, laughing together did not a solid bond make, but it was a start.

 

So was eating together, and cooking, and watching television, all of which became regular activities for the two. Still Gabriel was ecstatic, Sam was accepting him, although he could still sense something off. 

 

He would brush it off as nothing, he was getting more than he ever expected to, he was in his own personal heaven.

 

Sam’s smile was the best thing he’d ever seen, and he could cause it. That was all that mattered, it was the best, the most important thing in the world.

 

Until it wasn’t.

 

It was an accident. 

  
  
  
  


He’d been doing this for years, he knew what he was doing. 

 

He never went too deep, never enough to seriously hurt himself, he just needed the pain. The blood.

 

The more blood the better.

 

Until there was too much. 

 

He had been sitting in a haze, watching the blood spill from his arm and spiral down the shower drain. He didn’t realize how long it had been, not until the water was cold and goose flesh was prickling his skin. 

 

He stood to turn off the water, and immediately stumbled into the wall, slipping and falling heavily to the floor. 

 

A steady stream of blood was still pouring from his arm. How long had it been? How much blood had he lost?

 

He tried to stand again, his head spinning, this was bad. “Gabriel,” he called, too far gone to care what the other man would think.

 

A moment later the door opened, “you rang?” Gabriel called happily, clueless on the other side of the curtain.

 

Sam leaned heavily on the wall, chest heaving with effort to breathe, “I need help.”

 

Gabriel slowly pulled the curtain back, all hesitance vanishing when he saw the color of the water. 

 

With a snap, the water was off, Sam’s arm had stopped bleeding and was wrapped tightly in a bandage, and Sam was laying in his bed, clad in a pair of boxers with Gabriel sitting by his side, stroking his wet hair, and inspecting his body. 

 

“Oh, Samshine,” he murmured, tracing his fingers over some of the healing cuts, sealing them as he went. 

 

“Sweetheart, why?” Gabriel smoothed his fingers down Sam’s jaw, searching his eyes, as if they would betray exactly why Sam had nearly killed himself without so much as a breath of warning.

 

Except that wasn’t entirely true, was it? 

 

As he thought back, Gabriel could remember countless times Sam had whined or flinched. He moved slowly, wincing every time he sat down or stood up. He was in constant pain, and Gabriel had brushed it off as nothing, just remnants of a life spent hunting. Sam was only human, after all.

 

“Only thing that helped, needed the pain.” Sam’s voice was distant, shallow, Gabriel knew, he wouldn’t let him do it. He would tell Dean. Anything to keep him from hurting himself. He didn’t want to go back to how things had been. He couldn’t.

 

“Baby, no,” Gabriel whispers, smoothing Sam’s hair out of his face, “it’ll be okay, it’s okay.” Gabriel babbles, the first thing he had loved, and it was in this much pain.  _ Sam _ was in so much pain, and Gabriel could do nothing to help.

 

Sam shakes his head, tears burning in his eyes, it wasn’t okay, it would never be okay again. He would be stuck feeling how he had before. Tired, sad, alone. His body would go back to feeling heavy, the most mundane task would turn into a challenge.

 

“I’ll help you, I’m here, Sam, I’ve got you. I won’t let you fall, alright? I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.” Gabriel pulls Sam into his arms, cradling the larger man against his chest. “I’ve got you.” He whispers, tears spilling down his cheeks and falling into Sam’s hair.

 

Sam buries his face against Gabriel, letting the other man support him, just for a minute, he can be weak for just a minute. 

 

At the sound of Gabriel sniffing, Sam looks up, shocked to see the archangel openly crying. “Gabriel, what's… what's wrong?” 

 

Gabriel is silent for a moment, reverently petting Sam's cheeks, a look of utter betrayal etched on his face, and immeasurable pain shining in those beautiful golden eyes.

 

Gabriel sighs, pulling Sam tighter against him. “I could have lost you,” he mumbles into wet hair, breathing in the scent of apples, trying to block the smell of blood from his mind. So much blood. 

 

“You hit a vein and didn’t even try to stop the bleeding, Sam that’s…” He tightens his grip.

 

Sam draws back, “I didn’t mean to… I just…” Gabriel presses a finger to his lips, gently coaxing him back into his arms. “It’s okay, Sam, it’s okay, I understand, but please… Just.. Can we look for something else?  _ Anything _ else that helps.  _ Please. _ ” 

 

Sam hesitates for a moment, then nods. If he can find something else that works, he’ll do it, but he doesn’t want to stop cutting. Gabriel seems to sense this, and sags in defeat. 

 

“Until… something else, you can…” He trails off, blinking back tears. 

 

Gabriel is a millennial old being. He has seen births and deaths by the millions. He’s seen suicide and self-harm, drug abuse, war, genocide. He’s watched his family kill each other and nearly wipe out an entire planet in the process, but this one man, this insignificant human, was bringing him to tears. 

 

“Shallow. And… Shoulders, stomach. I don’t want to...find you like that again.” He finally mumbles, drawing Sam fully onto his lap. “I can do that.” Sam agrees, curling himself as small as he can, trying to fit comfortably on top of the angel.

 

Finally he gives up, scooting off and holding his arms open, “I think it’ll work better like this.” 

 

Gabriel smiles, wiping at his eyes, and climbing into Sam’s waiting arms. “I’m okay, Gabriel, I’m here.” Sam sooths, petting Gabriel’s golden hair. “I’m alive, I’ve got you.” 

 

Gabriel hums, and looks up to meet Sam’s eyes, confirming that he  _ was _ there. Alive and okay. And, at least for the moment, happy. 

 

“I’ve got you, I’m here,” Sam murmurs, barely above a whisper, stroking the pads of his fingers along a tear stain on Gabriel’s cheek, gently moving to cup the damp skin in his palm. “It’s okay,” he rubs his thumb over Gabriel’s lower lip, unable to look away from those intoxicating eyes.

 

Gabriel knows now, he didn’t run, he was going to help, Gabriel would make everything okay. It would  _ be  _ okay.

 

Sam feels himself being drawn in by some invisible force, and before he knows what’s happening, there’s a pair of warm lips against his own. 

 

Gabriel doesn’t miss a beat, desperately grabbing Sam’s face, cupping his cheeks between his palms, and drawing him closer. Sam Winchester is  _ his  _ damnit. Nothing is going to take him away. He will protect him to the ends of the earth.

 

Sam seems just as desperate, grasping at the back of Gabriel’s shirt, clenching it tightly in his fists, before letting it fall from his grasp and searching for something new to cling to. Hair, clothes, skin. 

 

It wasn’t long before Gabriel was whimpering and writhing in Sam’s lap, fingers buried in his hair, and leaning heavily against him, trying to coax him back onto the bed.

 

Sam willingly lets himself be pushed back, tearing off Gabriel’s shirt before sealing their lips back together. “Need you,” he manages to pant around desperate kisses, dipping his hands down the back of Gabriel’s pants to cup his ass. 

 

Gabriel just whimpers in response, spreading his legs in blatant invitation, but Sam shakes his head. “No, need you to…” He trails off, but Gabriel understands loud and clear, breaking the kiss to tongue a path along the human’s neck.

 

Instead of following the path down to his chest like Sam expects, Gabriel gently kisses down his bicep, then forearm, pressing his lips gently to the multitude of scars covering his skin. 

 

“Gabe, I…” Gabriel glances up at him, running the tip of his tongue over one of the scars closest to his wrist, and Sam can’t find the words to continue. His eyes fill with tears, and he clenches them shut, melting into the mattress as Gabriel repeats the pattern on his other arm, then rids them both of the rest of their clothes and continues onto his thighs.

 

“I love you, Sam, please… Let me help you. Let me in. Tell me if you want to do it, let me try to be there.” Gabriel whispers into the scars, snapping himself up a tube of lubricant and coating his fingers. 

 

“I don’t… Gabe, I…” Gabriel presses a delicate kiss to the tip of Sam’s dick, tracing a finger around his pucker. “Just tell me if you want to, promise me,” he gently presses his finger in to the first knuckle, thrusting shallowly into the writhing man.

 

“I won’t stop you,” he sucks the tip into his mouth, tracing the slit with his tongue and drinking in Sam’s heartfelt groan before pulling back again, pressing his finger deeper. “I just want to know, have the chance to talk to you, hold you, anything to help.”

 

Sam nods, writhing under Gabriel’s careful ministrations. “Alright, I’ll -fuck- I’ll tell you, please.” Sam bucks up towards Gabriel’s mouth, and the angel obligingly takes the hot flesh between his lips, sinking down until he was nosing at coarse, dark hair. 

 

“Fuck, Jesus Gabe,” Sam groans, burying a hand in Gabriel’s hair, squirming under the other man. “Shit, more, please,” he rasps, shallowly thrusting into Gabe’s mouth. 

 

The angel looks like sin personified, his lips stretched obscenely around Sam’s cock, fucking into him with barely controlled power.

 

Gabriel hums around his cock and slowly works in another finger, gently stretching him open. He bobs his head in sync with his fingers, slowly quickening his pace, then adding another finger and slowing back down, restarting the process.

 

By the fourth finger, Sam is sobbing above him, desperate to cum speared on Gabriel’s cock. 

 

“Please, fucking  _ please _ , Gabe, need it, need you! Fuck! I’m ready, God please!” 

 

Gabriel draws back with a filthy  _ slurp.  _ “Are you sure?” he murmurs, rubbing a hand gently down Sam’s flank, stroking himself absently. Sam nods, churning his hips, desperate for… something,  _ anything _ . Any kind of touch Gabriel is willing to give him.

 

Gabriel presses a kiss to Sam’s hip, coating himself with lube and slowly pressing into Sam, stopping every inch or so to give Sam time to adjust. “So beautiful, Sam, so so beautiful,” Gabriel purs, bottoming out.

 

Sam whimpers, and Gabriel’s hand returns to his flagging erection, stroking him back to full hardness, “it’s okay, Sam, relax, I’ve got ya.” 

 

Sam slowly relaxes, eyes fluttering open to stare at the angel above him, “more, please, ‘s good.” Gabriel nods, slowly pulling back and pressing back into the human, watching Sam’s body stretch to fit him. 

 

Sam stared up at the angel, watching his eyes drag over his body. He feels briefly self conscious, but the feeling melts away when Gabriel met his gaze, eyes burning with lust. “So fucking pretty, Sam, Father, I wish you could see yourself.” 

 

Sam whimpers, Gabriel’s gaze felt like a physical touch, hot coals dragging over his body. He can’t help bucking forward into Gabriel’s hand, and back onto his cock, it’s almost too much.  

 

“Fuck, pease, Gabe,” he whimpers, he would be embarrassed over how pathetic he sounded later.

 

“I’ve got you, sweetheart, shh,” another handful of thrusts and a skillful twist of his wrist later, and Sam was flying over the edge, painting his stomach and chest white. 

 

“Fucking hell, Sam,” Gabriel panted, losing his rhythm, chasing his own orgasm.

 

Sam whimpers pathetically under him, clenching around him and meeting his thrusts. “Fuck, Sam,” Gabriel buries his head against Sam’s shoulder, shuddering through his release. 

 

Sam sleepily wrapped his arms around the angel, shifting them to a more comfortable position, smiling when Gabriel nuzzled closer to him, wrapping himself tightly around him.

 

Once their breathing settled Gabriel peaked up at the ex-hunter, “you know we have to talk, right?” Sam nods, and Gabriel sighs, resting his head back against Sam’s chest. 

 

“You said it’s the pain?” Sam furrows his brow, but nods, humming an affirmative. “Can we… What if I was to hurt you, like…” Sam tenses slightly under him and Gabriel back pedales quickly, gently smoothing a hand over Sam’s side to calm him.

 

“I mean sexually, spanking, paddles, things like that. It’s safer, I know what I’m doing, you’d still get the pain, and you wouldn’t accidently kill yourself?” 

 

Sam hesitates, and Gabriel peeks up at him, “yeah I guess we could try that.” Gabriel smiles, snuggling closer to the hunter, “I just can’t find you like that again, Sam… It’s okay, I understand… Just…” 

 

Sam nods, pressing a kiss to the top of Gabriel’s head, “I’m sorry.” Gabriel snuggles closer, cleaning Sam and drawing a blanket over them with a thought. “It’s okay, Sam, I’ve got you.”


End file.
